Something So True

It is a strange, somber, humbling thing to spend Good Friday completely alone.

I am stuck in the dorm while most people are home enjoying family and friends for the weekend. At first, I was completely upset about being alone. I do not do good alone. I think too much, time goes by so slow, doubt always fills up my mind. Me and alone just really do not mix.

God is using that.
Sometimes it can feel like it is being used against me, but I know God better than that. It can only be used for my good, I have to trust that.

So me hating being alone has brought me to be alone on Good Friday.
Good Friday, where we remember the night of Jesus' suffering and death.
The thing He did for us.
For me.
Even though I'm horrible.

I walked into a crowded Mars Hill service hoping being alone and finding a seat wouldn't make me feel awkward. The main room was overflowing and the overflow room was on it's way to doing the same. So I slipped in to a random seat in between strangers.

There was no noise.
No talking.
Just singing.
Singing of Jesus' love, mercy, compassion.
Happy amazing things and yet...there was silence.

After worship, I opened my eyes to notice the two that had been sitting next to me had left. I had empty chairs on both sides.
Alone again.
Why God are you choosing to do this NOW?
Then a simple picture of Jesus came on the screen standing alone.
I thought to myself, in a very humbling moment, " Oh yes, Jesus did this alone."
I began to pay attention knowing God had something for me tonight.

They played a video depicting Jesus' last moments.
The ones who denied and betrayed him.
The ones who mocked him.
The ones who put him to death in his righteousness.

Then... I realized I am in all the above categories.

I have denied him, and denied others his love.
I have betrayed him as if he is not enough.
I mock him and his word with my actions of disobedience and distrust.
It was my sins, my dirtiness, my hate, that put him to death.

And I was alone.


When you are alone you are forced to face yourself.
Everything about who you are.
God was asking me to do the same.
It has been far too long since I have taken a look at myself and my own life.
It's not that I forget why Jesus died, it is that I don't bring myself to remember it enough.

His death became so real to me tonight.
And even more...the life that follows.
Oh AMAZING grace
How sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me.

Jesus died ALONE for my sin.
I now spend time tonight ALONE asking forgiveness and reminding myself why I chose to live differently.