Wait

This word has been thrown around a lot lately in random conversation, sermons, songs, etc.
There are times, like recently, where I beg and beg to hear God speak to me.
I want so desperately to hear God
to feel God.
To be on fire and passionate about this life He has given me.
But I'm not.
I'm not hearing God.
I don't feel Him near me.
I'm not passionate about what I once thought God was calling me to.
And I'm mad.
I'm mad that God won't respond.
That He won't allow me to hear him.


Then there is that word again.
Wait.
No, I don't want to wait.
All waiting does for me is stress me out.
I need to know what God wants me to do.
Now.
But God keeps saying wait.
Through other people of course.
Yes I want to hear and see and feel God but blessing me in that way every time I ask does not make me faithful.
There is a Brooke Fraser song "Faithful" that has been on repeat on my itunes.
" And as I wait for you, maybe I'm made more faithful."
I will wait for God.
For His choice,
His timing.
What else can I do?
There is nothing else I want to do.
So I'll wait.
patiently?
probably not, I'm bad at that.
But I'll wait.

Lord I'm tired

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything

Lord didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now, i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all
This is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, oh i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything..
yeah that's my everything..
yeah that's my everything..
everything...



I'm at this place where I feel so completely out of it.
I don't have much to give God, I don't even really have much to say to him...
I don't why.


..God, I'm sorry I don't run to you first.
I know you love me more than anything and more than anyone ever has, yet your not the first on my mind.
I'm sorry I get angry when you choose silence..
maybe it's that your teaching me to listen more.
I'm sorry for treating others you love with jealousy and hate.
That is not your plan or your desire.
I want to glorify you, not me, and especially not the enemy.
..but I do, and I'm sorry.

..Thank you for loving me.
Thank you that I can come to you with these ridiculous acts that so contradict your love and you count them as forgotten.
You love me despite my bitterness and anger.
I can't even imagine that kind of love, it doesn't exist like that here on earth...
help me understand how deep your love is.
Help me forget about what everyone else is saying about you, let me hear what your saying.

Yuck

I have just been in the worst of moods lately.

when will this stop?

Yay!

There is a small possibility I will be able to go home for Thanksgiving!
Praise the Lord!
I so hope I can make it home for those short few days.

I miss everyone so stinkin much.

We'll see if money starts falling from the sky.
Anyways, I have a very busy week ahead. I love how professors think it's a good idea to assign everything all at once. I'm pretty sure they all get together on the weekends and pick a week to torture us and send us into a minor depression with all their due dates.
Funny guys, funny.

I'm loving the weather right now.
40's in the morning.
60's during the day.
Clear skies :)
Fall is beautiful in Washington. I would give anything to be laying out at the beach though. I smelt the smell of tanning oil yesterday and just about cried. Oh how I love that smell.
But Fall is really pretty here, I promise you. ;)

Let's Become Uncomfortable

Pastor Ryan at Eastlake this morning said this,

"Obedience is often at odds with convenience."

The first thing that popped into my mind was Jesus death on the cross. Crucifixion was a horrible, humiliating way to die. Convenient? The farthest thing from it. It took obedience to the Father for Jesus to make that sacrifice.

Sometimes I start forgetting that Jesus himself questioned what His Father was doing. It's easy to put Jesus in this position and think that He was just completely okay with what was going to happen. That is crazy of us to think. Who would be completely okay with that kind of humiliation and suffering? No, Jesus himself questioned it.

" My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."
Matthew 26:39

Jesus prayed this three times before his arrest and sentence to death. He knew what was in store, He pleaded for another way out. It's not this part that should shock us, it's the second part. "Yet not as I will, but as you will."

That's obedience.

"And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross!"
Philippians 2:8

"Obedience is often at odds with convenience."

When compared to what Jesus did out of obedience to God, our obedience to God is shameful. We push aside any undesirable calling from God in our lives. We think only about ourselves and our well being. It is shameful. We are called to be obedient to our Father in heaven. To become uncomfortable, and suffer, and through it all find joy and contentment in Jesus Christ our Lord, our Savior, our provider and comforter.

Let us listen to that pushing and shoving of the Spirit in our hearts and face the things God brings into the light. Be obedient to that voice.

It's Just Tough

It is so difficult to bring out that joy deep inside you when you don't even really feel alive. I don't mean that I feel dead...just, not that "high on life" alive. Ya know? It's funny because, I know that these dry stages in my life happen over, and over, and over, and over. It's always the same. Usually, directly before these "dry times" I go through some amazing moments of relationship with God, and then feel as if all the other times that don't look exactly like the previous are "dry times." But seriously how lame is that!?

God does not change!
My life circumstances will ALWAYS change.
I am not always happy.
I am not always okay.
Yet God never changes. I can find comfort in that.

I have been learning a lot in classes lately about the "emotional" side of our relationship with God. How we run into a lot of problems when we base our relationship entirely off that. And I agree. When we view God entirely as this being that exists to make us happy, we don't allow thoughts of a sovereign, holy God into our minds. But those are two very true characteristics of God that I must remember.
Life simply just sucks sometimes.
What I can find hope in though, is the promise God has given me through Jesus' death. Eternal living in joy and peace and unity with our God.
Ya life sucks.
But it's not always going to be like this :)

" Do not lose heart! Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our fight and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Peter was a wise man, err boy

Peter Pan that is.

"never say goodbye
because saying goodbye
means going away
and going away
means forgetting."

I'm leaving Wednesday for school up in Washington. This is the part where I start to question my decision for going to school up there. The part where I have to say goodbye to my friends and family. I hate it. Especially after such an amazing summer with them all. But this is the way God wants it, and my trust is fully in Him. So I'm gonna stop saying goodbye to people cause it's not forever, and I think about everyone at home constantly while up at school, I never forget them. Christmas will be a glorious time of reunion :)


It's all in God's hands.

You Hold Me Now

AH! I am posting a blog!

So I head back up to Washington in one week. So i figure I better start blogging again.
This summer has been absolutely amazing. I have spent some great time with my friends and family but now it's time to leave again :(

It's always gonna be hard. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't be. But it always will be. The people I'm always surrounded with here are so encouraging and love God so much that it's hard to be away from them. But God is with me and He is all we need. So I'm going back up to Washington confident that God is leading me and using me. That is my prayer at least.

So where to begin with this summer.
God has completely blown my mind.
I have encountered God in tangible ways that I have never before experienced.
I first encountered God my sophomore year in high school, so 5 years ago now.
These past 5 years have been an adventure and an amazing one at that!
Living life with God is, well, the only way worth living I believe.
These past 5 years have also been the most challenging living with God.
We are constantly being thrown back and forth between the things of this world, clothes, money, cars, school, relationships, jobs, etc. and the things of God, the things that God's word explains to us as fruits of the spirit. That's at least how I feel. It's gotten harder and harder to discern the difference between things that will bring me earthly pleasure and the things that will bring me endless joy in eternity with God. So my relationship with God has gotten rocky.

This year, I have been so hungry for Christ. So hungry for the real living God. My prayer has been that God would reveal himself to me in different ways. He did just that this summer. I was completely consumed by his grace and love for me that I often just haven't had the words to express the feeling. But it has been amazing. And I know God knew that the years past have been preparing me for this year and this revival that I feel I'm going through.

I am joyful.
I am hopeful.
And I'm ready to leave home again and walk confidently in the Lord.

" So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."
Colossians 2:6-7

i hate living at home

HATE IT.

Made It Home

Now for unpacking and moving back in.
BLAH

Just A Random Thought Blog

I'm bad at posting blogs.
I am.
I feel like if I don't have anything of any importance to say, I might as well not blog.
But that's boring.
So I'm changing that.

I have a week left of school until SUMMMMMMMEEEERRRRR!!!! My absolute favorite time of year :) I can't wait for the beach and bonfires and BBQ's and Disneyland and swimming and laying out and being tan and shopping and eating at Ruby's on the pier and driving around late at night and In-N-Out ahhhh I could literally go on forever.

Wow. Just got very excited :)
It will be weird leaving Washington for a couple months though. I'm finally getting used to it here and the weather is getting very nice. I'm sure it's going to be beautiful up here in the summer with the lake and all. But I'm going to the beach, so it makes up for it :) haha

Wonderful.
Can't wait.
Praise God!!

It Ain't Easy

It Ain't Easy
I am learning to be a father but I really don’t know how
To be willing to care for others more than I love myself

It ain’t easy learning to love like you

I am learning to love my neighbor and to live by the golden rule
But it’s so hard when I’ve been lied to
I feel like a fool forgiving a fool

It ain’t easy learning to love like you

I am learning to be faithful with the little that I have
To do like Jesus and turn the tables
To give it all to get nothing back

It ain’t easy learning to love like you

by: Jason Upton

Can't Go Back Now

Yesterday when you were young
Everything you needed done was done for you
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone, what can you do?

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

You know there will be days
When you're so tired
That you can't take another step
The night will have no stars
And you'll think you've gone as far
As you will ever get

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now

And yeah, yeah, you go where you want to go
Yeah, yeah, be what you want to be
If you ever turn around, you'll see me

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

You and me walk on, walk on, walk on
Yeah, you and me walk on, walk on, walk on
'Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now

By: The Weepies


- This song brings me to tears! I have had an amazing childhood/high school days. Seriously, I am blessed at home with friends I have grown up with. We have gone through it all together. My friends from high school, Corisa, Justine, Courtney, Carrissa and Bree, my best friend Elyssa who I have been friends with since 2nd grade, and my friends from after graduation, Emma, Jane, Arielle and Rachel. All these girls have a huge part of my heart. This song wraps up what I want to say to all of them. It reminds me of all our talks of what the future holds and what we think God wants us to do and how we just wish life could be the way it was a few years ago.

I believe in every single one of those girls and love watching them all grow and experience new things. I can't wait to see where we all end up :)

All That I can Say Right Now

I love God

So much.

What my life would be without knowing God?... I can't even picture it.
There is so much beauty in living life with Him.

...I am just so joyful right now :)

I Haven't Posted In Forever

4 weeks and counting until I'm home for the summer.
I'm trying to figure out what these last few months in Washington were...I'm still trying to figure it out haha

It's been quite the adventure.
I finally know what it means to surrender to God.
There is nothing scarier or more rewarding.

It's Easter weekend.
Tomorrow is Good Friday.
This song helps me remember.

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small
Child of weakness, watch and pray
Find in Me thine all in all”
*
Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
*
Lord, now indeed I find
Thy power and Thine alone
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone
*
And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete
Jesus died my soul to save
My lips shall still repeat
*
Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow
*
Oh praise the One
Who paid my debt
And raised this life
Up from the dead

OH PRAISE THE ONE, WHO PAID MY DEBT
AND RAISED THIS LIFE UP FROM THE DEAD!
*
Jesus paid it all
All to Him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow



Praise the One who paid my debt

Home Sweet Home

Man I am loving being home.
It is such a refresher that was much needed.
" You never know what you have until it's gone" that saying has never been more true.
Riverside, my home for my entire life until January used to be the one place I wanted to get out of more than anything in the world. I felt it was useless being here. Now though, God has shown me what a blessing I have here in just the few days I've been back. The Grove has been my second home for almost 5 years now and I wouldn't want it any other way. I thank God for that church and for bringing me to friends who I have gone through life with the past 5 years. This town is amazing...I don't care what you all say. The community here and the memories that I have here can never and will never be replaced.

I pray I can find this kind of community up in Washington. Instead of this week making me depressed about going back to school, I hope it creates in me a want for this kind of community up at school and I pray God will lead me to that.


FRIENDS IN RIVERSIDE: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING SO AMAZING AND FOR LIVING LIFE WITH ME! YOU HAVE ALL BEEN SUCH BLESSINGS IN MY LIFE AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I WOULD BE WITHOUT YOU!!! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE MEMORIES I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

I Am So Ready...

FOR ALL OF THIS TO BE IN MY LIFE AGAIN!!!!!!!!
WOOOO!!!!
I am officially home tomorrow night!!!!!!!

This Is Bad

Why oh why do I love clothes so much.
Couldn't I have been given a love for something like reading?
It's somewhat free and people tell me it's really enjoyable.
But no, I love clothes and shopping.

I'm currently craving:

If Grace Is An Ocean We're All Sinking

He is jealous for me
loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions
eclipsed by glory.
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so.
Oh, how He loves us,
how He loves us so.

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes.
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking.
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
and my heart beats violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about
the way

He loves us
Oh, how He loves us.
Oh how He loves us
Oh, how He loves
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves

Summer

I miss it so much that I just tried on all my summer clothes in my dorm and danced around in my flip flops listening to joshua radin which is my summer car ride with the windows down music.

It's raining outside. So it put me in a good mood haha

:)




...Sorry if you don't like feet. I don't either, but I'm just way too excited about wearing these babies again.

I Am...

-craving In-n-Out
-missing my friends at home SO much I didn't even know missing people this much was possible
-desperate for God to be the only one I listen to
- wanting to go to Disneyland
-wishing Spring Break were tomorrow
-dreading the week ahead
-looking for solid friends
-waiting for people to grow up

Arielle and NU collide

So Arielle came to Kirkland last weekend!!
It was amazing.
All my friends loved her and it was so great having a little taste of home here with me. I love her so very much!!






We went on a ferry ride. It was so beautiful!!











gum wall :)


then Mt. Dew pong haha




TWO WEEKS UNTIL I'M HOME FOR SPRING BREAK!!

But this I know with all my heart.

Amazing.

"Why should I gain from his reward?
I cannot give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom."

I am so in awe of Jesus every time I hear these lyrics. How on earth is it possible that I am saved, that my sins are taken care of because of a sacrifice made my someone before He even knew me, or should I say before I cared to know him. Why should I gain from his reward? Why am I allowed to live a life full of blessings and far from the punishment of sin? I am so blown away when I think of this. It doesn't seem fair. It really doesn't seem fair that not everyone on Earth cares to know this Jesus that did this for us. He deserves so much, God deserves so much more than we as human beings can give him. I wake up every morning, go to class, come back, sleep, and not once close my eyes and thank God.

Another song says
" I need a song to sing to you that I have yet to find."
I feel that is so true. I want to say so much to God and sing to him how thankful I am but I just can't find the words. I pray my heart would reflect that thankfulness.

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!

In A Funk

That's how I'm feeling.
This weekend was nothing short of an adventure.
I drove over to eastern washington with my friend Alyssa.
The drive is about 4 hours, a little over and it's literally a straight drive.
It's really pretty though at a certain point when your going through the mountains, snow everywhere and frozen waterfalls. I even saw a deer in the snow! It was beautiful! Alyssa laughed at me for that one cause she says she sees deer all the time. Spoiled Washington kids ;)

Anyways...I want so badly to write about everything that happened but seriously...all the memories are a blur. Here is what sticks out the most to me though...

I GOT MY FIRST SPEEDING TICKET! ARE YOU JOKING ME!
ugh...stuuu washington! I was going 81 in a 70 haha but still.
The cop was quite good looking though an considering what had already happened that night, Alyssa and I just cracked up about it.
$144 later...I'm broke pretty much.

But yes that was just on the way there...

So today I have just been all stressed about money and school work and how I have slacked like crazy the past two weeks. BLAH it's all catching up to me.

AY YI YI

But God is good :)

Joy

" To miss out on joy is to miss out on the reason for your existence." -Lewis Smedes

God created us to be joyful. I believe we are glorifying him the most when we have so much joy overflowing inside of us that we cannot help but pour it into others. I don't know about you but I don't remember making a difference in someones life when I was having a bad day. No one benefits from it, especially not yourself.

Yes trouble and bad days will come and happen more frequently than I would like but
"the joy of the Lord is my strength"
I'm reading "The Life You've Always Wanted" by John Ortberg for my christian thought class and it's bomb. I just read the chapter on joy which is why I'm writing this. He suggests something so easy and I'm guessing something so beneficial to fix this problem of being "joyless." Ortberg says, PRACTICE CELEBRATION. Isn't that cool?
Surround yourself with encouraging people, turn your music up in the car and sing, eat your FAVORITE food (don't even think about calories ;) ) call your best friend and talk about your favorite memories, and while doing whatever makes you joyful, thank God for giving you life to enjoy all of it. I believe if we do this a little everyday, and our hearts are filled with more joy, that our lives would be different and our ministry would be more affective.

Today I thank God for:
-a dry sunny day
-time for rest
-Arielle coming to visit me in a week
-His answering of my prayers
-Chipotle (which I'm getting later)
-the community here at school

Oh yea...

My Christian Thought teacher said this the other day...

" I don't enough faith to not believe in God."

...think about it

20th year and some snow

Yesterday was my 20th birthday :)
No longer a "teenager" I put that in quotations because I don't believe I will be acting anymore like an adult...

Yesterday was fun though. I went out to dinner with a bunch of new friends to Spaghetti Factory in Seattle. It was a nice time enjoying friendship as Jackie Gray would say.
Also...IT SNOWED!!!!!!!! ON MY BIRTHDAY!!
It was amazing. I'm talking REAL snow...like snowflakes with shapes.
Most beautiful thing ever was walking out of church this morning to the peaceful quiet and soft fluttering snow. ( How's that for good writing? haha) Really though, it was something so beautiful I had never experienced before!! It's even snowing right outside my window as I write this :P
CHECK IT OUUUT



So I have been learning so much about the Bible lately! Being in an Old Testament class and going to a few different churches, God has really been seeming to slam me with information. Basic stuff too..like how many books are in the bible and all that jazz. But what is really awesome to me is all the prophecies of Jesus in the Old Testament and how cool it must have been to be waiting so long for them to be fulfilled and finally getting to witness it when Jesus was born. Gives me a breath of hope for the second coming we are waiting for now. It is promised and what a great day it will be.

Here is another video of my new friends...they are fun :)

Sunday

So today my roommate and I went down to read and do homework by the water.
Kirkland is right by Lake Washington so we can even see the water from our dorm room, so awesome.
Today was an amazingly beautiful sunny day and it seemed like the whole town was out enjoying it :)
We kept getting distracted so only read like 4 pages but it was an awesome day to be outside.

I'm having a hard time being away from church. The Grove has been my second home since I started living for God and being away like this is so hard. Harder than just being away from home. I have been to two churches so far and haven't felt led to either. I know it will happen in time but it's just hard not getting the same kind of fellowship or being able to hang out with jr. highers haha which I really do miss. Makes me thankful for The Grove though for sure. Can't wait to go when I come home on break!!

People here are amazing. I feel so comfortable here and know I'm going to grow so much!
I want to know exactly why I'm here though..I don't want to waste my time because I know God has me here for a specific reason. It's all part of the adventure though...figuring out why God has placed us where he has.

Courtney and Bree were here this weekend! It was so nice having my closest friends around! They are such a blessing in my life always there for me NO MATTER WHAT WE HAVE GONE THROUGH! Love them

I heard this quote the other day and can't get it out of my mind...
" Your not what you think you are, but what you think, you are."

Amazing

God is so amazing.
And that's all I have to say right now.

I'm so humbled by his intense love for us.
Life is sweet

This is all that I can say right now

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now, I know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, I know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now, oh I know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, I know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

Moved In

Well I'm here!!!!
I have made it to Washington and am all moved into my dorm.
It's so weird, I feel like a freshman even though I graduated almost two years ago, and yes I'm going to post pictures of my room...I'm excited okay ;)

So the drive up here was anything but relaxing.
There is major flooding up here and people were being evacuated so traffic was just insane once we finally made it into Washington.
Oregon is by far the weirdest state I have ever been. For one, you can't pump your own gas, like they don't even let you get out of the car. Weird.
And people just dress....well, weird. I'm sorry, they stinkin do.
They are stuck in the 80's, that's the problem.

So because my school is so small( I found out the actual number of students today, 1300. perfect) my roommate Kalie and I were the only ones on our floor moving in. So it was quite awkward. Kalie almost got stuck in he floods and wouldn't have been able to even make it to school today but God willing she got here safe and sound. Tonight though she is staying with her mom at their hotel because they had such a long day, so I'm all alone on my first night in my dorm. Kind of depressing and sad if you ask me, not to mention my whole floor doesn't even move in until tomorrow. I'm trying to make the most of it though. I did play a fun game of catch phrase tonight :)

Anyways here are some pictures of my room...

For You Have Set My Heart Free

I am laid low in the dust;
preserve my life according to your word.
I recounted my ways and you answered me;
teach me your decrees.
Let me understand the teaching of your
precepts;
then I will meditate on your wonders.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
Keep me from decietful ways;
be gracious to me through your law.
I have chosen the way of truth;
I have set my heart on your laws.
I hold fast to your statutes, O Lord;
do not let me be put to shame.
I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.


Psalm 119: 25-32