Never Destroyed

2 Corinthians 4: 8-9
" We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

Paul was a man who traveled around and told people the good news right?
Yes.
And Paul speaks a ton of the persecution and opposition he faces as someone who goes around talking about Jesus.
We can be guaranteed these things as followers. It just comes with the package.
I know this.
But it never makes it easy to face.
It is so unbelievable though that in all the stories of persecution in the Bible, destruction does not follow.
We are never abandoned by God.
When it feels as if the entire world has abandoned me, I am not alone.

I am never alone.
None of it matters.
I am saved.
I am loved.
I am pursued by an almighty God who cares for me.
My future is decided.
It is secure.

I have nothing to fear.

I can't grasp this concept!
All I know is fear.
Insecurity.
Shame.
Worry.

I want to be confident enough in Christ that when opposition hits me, it bounces right back off and I am unaffected because I know where my identity comes from.

These words of David's have been getting me through alot lately.
Written so long ago but they represent the battle that goes on inside my head.
Psalm 27
Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

That right there is some good stuff.

Intoxicating Scent

Spending time in His word tonight and listening to some music the following kept being repeated.

"your fragrance is intoxicating."

I want to know what this means.
I want to know how it feels to be intoxicated by just the presence of God.
Granted, I do not know how it feels to be intoxicated...period. But, being intoxicated by the love of God? I can only imagine how rad that would be.

I deeply desire this closeness with God right now.
It's not happening all at once.
Sometimes I find that weird.
I feel like if I am asking for it why wouldn't God just give me that closeness?
Maybe there is something still in the way?
I don't know.
But I'm choosing, and trying to be faithful.

I pray I would be intoxicated tonight by the fragrance of God.
Whatever that means.
MMMMM I want it!

C'mon Jesus!



**** 5 MINUTES AFTER POSTING THIS BLOG!

God just blew my mind.
AHHHH!!!!!!!!
I wanted to know what this fragrance was all about.
I look down in my Bible that was open in front of me and start reading 2 Corinthians 2:12-17...
FRAGRANCE EVERYWHERE!!!
Check it!

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. 15For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? 17Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God."

AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING!
I'm just blown away that BAM I look down after writing this blog and there it was.

So now I pray.
ALOT!

God show me why this was so in my face tonight.
I can't wait to learn!!

Something So True

It is a strange, somber, humbling thing to spend Good Friday completely alone.

I am stuck in the dorm while most people are home enjoying family and friends for the weekend. At first, I was completely upset about being alone. I do not do good alone. I think too much, time goes by so slow, doubt always fills up my mind. Me and alone just really do not mix.

God is using that.
Sometimes it can feel like it is being used against me, but I know God better than that. It can only be used for my good, I have to trust that.

So me hating being alone has brought me to be alone on Good Friday.
Good Friday, where we remember the night of Jesus' suffering and death.
The thing He did for us.
For me.
Even though I'm horrible.

I walked into a crowded Mars Hill service hoping being alone and finding a seat wouldn't make me feel awkward. The main room was overflowing and the overflow room was on it's way to doing the same. So I slipped in to a random seat in between strangers.

There was no noise.
No talking.
Just singing.
Singing of Jesus' love, mercy, compassion.
Happy amazing things and yet...there was silence.

After worship, I opened my eyes to notice the two that had been sitting next to me had left. I had empty chairs on both sides.
Alone again.
Why God are you choosing to do this NOW?
Then a simple picture of Jesus came on the screen standing alone.
I thought to myself, in a very humbling moment, " Oh yes, Jesus did this alone."
I began to pay attention knowing God had something for me tonight.

They played a video depicting Jesus' last moments.
The ones who denied and betrayed him.
The ones who mocked him.
The ones who put him to death in his righteousness.

Then... I realized I am in all the above categories.

I have denied him, and denied others his love.
I have betrayed him as if he is not enough.
I mock him and his word with my actions of disobedience and distrust.
It was my sins, my dirtiness, my hate, that put him to death.

And I was alone.


When you are alone you are forced to face yourself.
Everything about who you are.
God was asking me to do the same.
It has been far too long since I have taken a look at myself and my own life.
It's not that I forget why Jesus died, it is that I don't bring myself to remember it enough.

His death became so real to me tonight.
And even more...the life that follows.
Oh AMAZING grace
How sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me.

Jesus died ALONE for my sin.
I now spend time tonight ALONE asking forgiveness and reminding myself why I chose to live differently.

Beauty

" The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." Psalm 45:11

This verse absolutely consumed me tonight.
Psalm 45 is seen as a wedding poem about a great, majestic king preparing for his bride.
This great king is of course our wonderful God. The undeserved position of his bride has been gracefully given to me. I couldn't wrap my mind around this kind of love so I began to think of my Dad.

My Dad is wonderful.
He has always protected me.
Provided for me.
He isn't a man who shows his deep love for you all that often. He is shy in that way.
However, in the times when He does, I leave his presence with no doubt in my mind that he thinks the world of me. There are times his eyes are filled with tears when expressing to me the joy I bring him.
How much more can I expect from my heavenly father?
Tears of joy?
When I read verse 11 again, I am made aware of the deep love God, my king, my husband, has for me.

Lately, a lot of people I know are getting engaged.
It makes me so excited to think about the day when I will find my best friend and future husband to live out this life with. I have so many desires for our relationship already and haven't even met him yet. I can't wait for him to look into my eyes and tell me I am the most beautiful person he has ever known.

This psalm tells me I already have the attention of someone.
My king is enthralled by my beauty.
The creator of heaven and of earth, the almighty one, is enthralled by my beauty.
Brought to tears of joy in my presence.

....that is unbelievable.
For my God to love me THAT much. To look at me with eyes of love the way a husband looks at his bride.

I am in awe.

And I will honor him, for he is my lord.

Wait

This word has been thrown around a lot lately in random conversation, sermons, songs, etc.
There are times, like recently, where I beg and beg to hear God speak to me.
I want so desperately to hear God
to feel God.
To be on fire and passionate about this life He has given me.
But I'm not.
I'm not hearing God.
I don't feel Him near me.
I'm not passionate about what I once thought God was calling me to.
And I'm mad.
I'm mad that God won't respond.
That He won't allow me to hear him.


Then there is that word again.
Wait.
No, I don't want to wait.
All waiting does for me is stress me out.
I need to know what God wants me to do.
Now.
But God keeps saying wait.
Through other people of course.
Yes I want to hear and see and feel God but blessing me in that way every time I ask does not make me faithful.
There is a Brooke Fraser song "Faithful" that has been on repeat on my itunes.
" And as I wait for you, maybe I'm made more faithful."
I will wait for God.
For His choice,
His timing.
What else can I do?
There is nothing else I want to do.
So I'll wait.
patiently?
probably not, I'm bad at that.
But I'll wait.

Lord I'm tired

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything

Lord didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now, i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all
This is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now, oh i know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything..
yeah that's my everything..
yeah that's my everything..
everything...



I'm at this place where I feel so completely out of it.
I don't have much to give God, I don't even really have much to say to him...
I don't why.


..God, I'm sorry I don't run to you first.
I know you love me more than anything and more than anyone ever has, yet your not the first on my mind.
I'm sorry I get angry when you choose silence..
maybe it's that your teaching me to listen more.
I'm sorry for treating others you love with jealousy and hate.
That is not your plan or your desire.
I want to glorify you, not me, and especially not the enemy.
..but I do, and I'm sorry.

..Thank you for loving me.
Thank you that I can come to you with these ridiculous acts that so contradict your love and you count them as forgotten.
You love me despite my bitterness and anger.
I can't even imagine that kind of love, it doesn't exist like that here on earth...
help me understand how deep your love is.
Help me forget about what everyone else is saying about you, let me hear what your saying.

Yuck

I have just been in the worst of moods lately.

when will this stop?